Saturday, 11 October 2008

Before it is too late...

I was on the 3rd lap of the Kiara park for my morning run when my mind flashed-back those early teen period when I was so fresh, decent and innocent from all notoriety. Running in the morning is so peaceful and getting lost in thought and flashback memories are amongst the ‘kick’ of runners high. Flashed-back moment when I was thirteen, I was more religious then than now. Believing in God akin of the commercialized Santa Claus fantasy to a child, I listed all my wish-list endlessly in all my prayer. I was thirteen and was very attached to my parent. Part my prayer, innocently, I prayed endlessly for god to prolong my parent life beyond mine. I could not imagine being without a parent. I cannot imagine how life will be without my dad or mom. I simply cannot imagine myself in a broken family. For years until my mid-teen, similar prayer was read daily. When I was diagnosed to have leukaemia at 15 years old, I believed that my prayer was heard… this was never spoken but is a topic for another discussion….. my book that I am writing now.

It is more than a months now since my last blog-posting. Whilst maintaining my blog, I am also writing my book. Writing my book is a real experience, to flashback memories, traumas and painful moment of being sick was not easy. I am on tight deadline especially since I want to launch it next year, being the 20th anniversary from the year of the leukaemia diagnosis. Ramadhan, the fasting month last month too was not easy. I was really unproductive.

Today was my first day after 3 months away from running. I changed my exercise regime from the routine morning run to weight lifting at the gym. I had stopped running for already 3 months in my effort to re-gain my ideal weight of 80kg, I was 66kg. I slowed down my pace as I sipped from the water bottle kept on my waist running belt and smiled to learn there is only 3 more kilometres to go. I was breathless and struggled to keep my pace at the speed of 8. My stamina had deteriorated since I stopped running.

The thought of being without my dad or mom was a nightmare during childhood that I never failed to ask god in my prayer for me to die first before my parent until I was diagnosed to have leukaemia. I outgrew the childhood phobic of a broken family when I was diagnosed and fought against leukaemia but the last 2 weeks, the childhood memories recur when I learn that my dad’s heart have 4 blockages and had to be admitted tomorrow at the National Heart Institute for an open heart by-pass operation.

Having battled cancer, I always think and review my life achievements todate and especially what I would want to do in career, wealth, health, social and family planning before my death so that I could live my life to the fullest without any regret. However, I failed to plan for the most important thing in life. I overlooked at what I would want to give and show to the person that I love most and to the person that had cared for me, before it is too late… before their permanent departure.

Though it is not too late, the main question remain, how to show and to care beyond just words, so that the person that I love will know how much I care and loved them.

i was so lost in thought that i didnt realize i had reached my targeted distant for today and had completed the last finishing lap. I wanted to run further but stopped unwillingly. I should slowly build up my stamina and not to overstress my training especially since today is the first day of my run. I walked another 15 minutes to warm down and thought to myself, that I should be spending some quality time with my dad and everyone that I love as a start.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Armin! Its been a long while since yr last posting and I missed reading your updates. ANwyay, I'm glad to read yr latest posting but sorry to hear of yr father. I hope he is well now. By this time, he should have gone thru' the treatment to unblock the arteries. Insyallah, he is recovering well.
    Linda

    ReplyDelete

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